Knowledgeability Clarity of Response Timeliness Politeness
10 10 10 10
Comment: I am running to a therapist as we speak. I do love my son and will do everything possible to understand him and keep a relationship with him. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Subject: Son’s Problem
Question: My son (15) believes that he is bi-sexual, and acts very negative towards me when I try to talk to him about it. I tell him that he is only confused or that it is his hormonal changes. He doesn’t listen. What should I do
Answer: Dear Anonymous
I seriously doubt you want to hear my answer any more than you are wanting to listen to you son.
When someone tells you something and you argue with them, this is not listening. Listening says you hear with your heart and I suspect your heart is telling you something different than your head wants to hear as well.
Your son is reacting negatively towards you because you are not listening to him. Any human being reacts negatively when they feel minimized, dismiss or undheard.
He has told you he is bi-sexual. Which tells me he is having feelings towards both sexes and is trying to figure this out as he already knows this is not what you want to hear. Trust me when I say he did not come to you on the first sexual urge he felt. He has probably been struggling with this issue ALONE for quite sometime.
The REAL ISSUE right now is not whether he really is bi-sexual. The REAL ISSUE is whether or not you love your son unconditionally and are committed to getting through this with him. You have a really important question to answer to yourself.
DO YOU WANT A RELATIONSHIP with your son for the rest of his life. TRUST me when I say this issue is a DEAL BREAKER.
You can have a wonderful loving relationship with this young man who will become an adult in a few short years or he may move far away from you emotionally and physically if you reject him now.
I STRONGLY urge you, if you really cannot accept his “confusion” and want to keep a relationship with him, to RUN not walk, RUN to a counselor who understands sexual identity disorders or at a minimum a qualified Marriage and Family Therpaist. Someone who can support you while you listen to you son and figure out what you can and cannot love about him. Someone who can keep your relationship with your son at its best.
First though write a list of all the things you love about your son and give it to him. Tell him you are struggling to understand what he is trying to tell you and ask him to be patient with you. This will go along way to keeping the lines of communication open and probably buy yourself some time to come to terms with his confession.
Now having said this notice I did not disagree with you. He maybe confused, he maybe confused by his hormones. Many teens are experimental and others just KNOW in their soul they have an alternate sexual orientation. It is difficult to tell at 15. However what is more important is that you stop shutting off the communication and focus on how much you love him, because he needs you more right now than he ever has or ever will.
Take care of yourself you have raised a 15 year old who came to YOU to discuss this. Pat yourself on the back and realize this will turn out okay because you have obviously done a good job so far. It gives me faith you can do this!
M Kay Keller