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Comment: Helped a lot, Thanks!
Questioner: Anonymous
Subject: Lying
Question: My 18 year old daughter is adopted. We have had her 3and1/2years.Seperately her parents abandoned her and her siblings. Then when placed with her paternal grandmother, she called children’s services to remove her from the home after one month there.
Talk about feeling rejected. We love her with all our heart and tell her that often. I have tried to impress upon her that she could tell me anything and I would not reject her or love her less. I have even told her that there is NOTHING she can do that will make me stop loving her.
She is now in college and making many of her own decisions. I have explained to her that actions have consequences and if she chooses to have sexual relations with her (wonderful and very loving)boyfriend, it is her choice but be safe.
I know that she has spent the night at his apartment two times and possibly more. She says,”we slept in the same bed but nothing happened. He loves God and would not do anything like that.”(Both are practicing Christians with strong religious backgrounds)I told her that he is a fine person but that I know for a fact that he loves her more than anything in this world. But I feel sure she has had sex with him. She said it is none of my business.
I want to know why she has a need to lie about it. She says “All teenagers lie. That’s what they do”. Can you tell me if ALL teenagers lie?
I have told her that I think it’s worse to lie than to have the intimate relationship that I feel she has had. I do not condone premartial sex but I will not love her or the boyfriend any less if they have done this. Can you give me any insight into this? I told her that if she is ashamed of her actions maybe she should not do them. She said there is nothing wrong with what she is doing.
If that is the case why can’t she admit it instead of lying to me?
Answer: Dear Anonymous, No not all teens lie.
However, it sounds as if this young woman is giving you some strong signals that she does not want these discussions with you and maybe not having her boundaries repspected is causing her pain. Regardless of what your values are they are your values and she has her own set of values whether or not you agree with them she is asking you to respect her values. (She maybe feeling guilt as I suspect her values are not so different from your own or she would not feel the need to lie or to make such an issue out of these discussions.)
However, you need to back off and quit asking her and expecting she is going to “tell you the truth,” if you want to keep this relationship. What you can do is tell her your find it difficult to have a relationship with someone who is not honest with you and let her digest this information on her own.
For both your sakes, trust her upbringing, trust she knows right from wrong and that as she grows and matures she will make the right decisions for herself. This is a part of saying I have confidence you are a grown up, you are a responsible grown up and I know you will do the right thing in the end (eventually).
Then LET IT GO before you have to let her go, Please.
Best Wishes!
M Kay Keller
