Dear Kay,
So how do I begin? My step-daughter, 11 years, has begun experimenting with sexuality. I know it’s a part of growing up and I can’t see this innocent little girl as a growing young woman, but I know I must face the music. My problem lays with her outlets. She’s had some past trauma in her life. Without going into too much detail, her father touched her before I came into their lives. She is talking to a therapist, but I kind of feel like we can do more for her.
She’s constantly prowling the Internet looking at porn. We’ve caught her talking and chatting online in very sexual conversations. Her mother and I even had to contact some of these individuals to tell them to back off. Some of these people were genuinely surprised when we found out she’d been lying about her age.
My concern is that she’s too sexually interested at such a young age. She’s recently been raiding through her mothers drawers looking for items not meant for a child that young. We’ve since tossed them out, but our fears keep growing. Her chatting online is a concern and we do our best to monitor it, but she gets around us constantly. She’s approached her mother and grandmother about masturbation and has asked, rather abruptly, about each of their sex lives. We don’t try to shelter her but we do our best to help her with both her past and present issues.
For an 11yr, she does seems rather grown up, but in other ways still that child I came to know and love. Is there anything you can suggest to possibly curb her sexual desires and promote a more healthy outlet?
Scott
Dear Scott:
I have one question for you, who is the parent and who is the child?
She is looking at porn sites and you are both allowing her back on the computer? STOP
She is 11 years old if you give up this much power to an eleven year old now you are just sunk for the duration of her teen years. NO PORN, NO COMPUTER!
I understand there are parental controls now on computers and cable programs, get your manual out and read it and set them up.If she doesn’t respect your wishes then she doesn’t get the benefit of getting on the computer. Parental monitoring means keeping track of what is happening with her.
Maybe instead of her just seeing a therapist the entire family could talk some of this out in a family counseling session? Counseling is not the same as therapy it is only a technical consultation to tweak family communication.
She doesn’t know yet and may not until she is much older how lucky she is to have someone care for her and worry about her. Keep up the good work!
M Kay Keller
