• Family and Individual Education and Coaching

Mary Kay Keller

About
Books
Classes
Coaching
Podcasts
Testimonials

Five year old does not mind and won’t go to bed!

Posted on June 1, 2012 by Mary Kay Keller

Dear Kay,

My 40 yr old divorced son and my 5 yr old grandchild are coming for 2 weeks to visit. This child’s bad behavior and my sons lack of being able to discipline her due to his ex-wife’s refusal caused the divorce. This child has for 3 years refused to do what anyone asks her to. She has been allowed to make deals where she sets up the rules and is in charge. They have a bedtime routine but nothing will pacify her. Her mom does what the child asks and then makes deals with her. If she will not get up then tomorrow this reward will happen.

I can not stand to have this child here. I have never had a child or grandchild that refused to mind me. My son is on medication. He also battles with this child and is not allowed by his ex to discipline her as he sees fit (a swat on her bottom to get her attention)It takes an average of 3 hours to get her down and this is after more potty time, drinks, screaming, yelling banging the door and even vomiting. I need advice ASAP.
Nervous Grandma
Dianne

Dear Dianne:

You will not like my answer. This, “I can not stand to have this child here.” Is your problem. Regardless of how these parents are raising this child I am appalled that having a child who minds you perfectly all the time is your preference to having the child not be around.

I feel very sorry for this child. Not only does the child have two parents who don’t know how to parent now the child has a grandparent who resents it for not being the best it can be under the circumstances (the parents are divorced). Is this really how you want your relationship to be with your grandchild? Full of resentment about how its parents are or are not raising it?

Dianne, you do not have control over the parents and you will not have control over this child. What you do have control over is how you respond to this child. You are the grandparent! You have a very unique opportunity to make a world of difference to this child. It won’t be easy, say what you mean and mean what you say. It doesn’t matter who is not doing what or what the others are doing all that matters is building wonderful memories between you and your grandchild.

First you need to drop the attitude a 5 year old with an attitude will be enough to deal with and more than either of you needs.

Second, children respond well to rules. 3 rules I suggest are:
1. You may not hurt yourself,
2. You may not hurt anyone else,
3. You may not destroy property.

This usually covers most everything and everything else is negotiable.

The number 1 most important thing to remember is to PICK YOUR BATTLES WISELY. It is not important to have a perfect child, a perfect visit or a perfect relationship. What is important is for the child to know you want them around, you want to spend time with them and you accept them.

Do things that 5 year old like to do (ask this 5 year old what it wants to do). Spend as much time as possibly doing fun things and then let them help you do things you have to do. My 6 year old granddaughter thinks it is great fun to help me load the dishwasher (who knew?).

As for bedtime, here is the best way to gear a child for bed. Turn down the environment. Turn off the TV, radio, computer or any other noisemaker at least an hour before bedtime. Engage with the child in reading or some other easy activity which is not going to charge up their body. Then a bath is a must. Bathing is a must because their body temperature drops and this is why most of us get sleepy after a bath. A full body massage is another routine activity which sends a message to the child’s brain that it is time to go to sleep. It also relaxes all those muscles which have played and tensed up all day long. Soft music, great smells, hugs and a quiet story should put this 5 year old out like a light! Feel free to peruse other answers for people who had questions about bedtime routines. Focus on the activities and not the schedule.

Children want nothing more than your time, your love and your attention. If you can focus on this more than how you think everyone else should be raising this child you will be the best memories they have and when we all reach the end of life what better thing could anyone say about you?

Do have fun! Life is too short to do anything else.

Best Wishes!

M Kay Keller

http://astore.amazon.com/lifsjouagrass-20/detail/B005ELMC0Q

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recent Posts

  • Why is Breastfeeding Awareness So Important?
  • Babies are not empty heads that we need to fill up!
  • Learn the Baby Code Here!
  • What happens when optimal caregiving is not addressed.
  • Connecting to your infant through empathy.

Recent Comments

    Archives

    • August 2022
    • December 2020
    • February 2020
    • December 2019
    • November 2019
    • October 2019
    • September 2018
    • July 2018
    • June 2018
    • May 2018
    • April 2018
    • February 2017
    • June 2016
    • March 2016
    • February 2016
    • January 2016
    • December 2015
    • May 2015
    • April 2015
    • March 2015
    • February 2015
    • January 2015
    • November 2014
    • October 2014
    • September 2014
    • August 2014
    • July 2014
    • June 2014
    • May 2014
    • April 2014
    • March 2014
    • February 2014
    • January 2014
    • December 2013
    • November 2013
    • October 2013
    • September 2013
    • August 2013
    • July 2013
    • June 2013
    • May 2013
    • April 2013
    • March 2013
    • February 2013
    • January 2013
    • December 2012
    • November 2012
    • October 2012
    • September 2012
    • August 2012
    • July 2012
    • June 2012
    • May 2012
    • April 2012
    • March 2012
    • February 2012
    • January 2012
    • December 2011
    • November 2011
    • October 2011
    • September 2011
    • August 2011
    • July 2011
    • June 2011
    • May 2011
    • April 2011
    • March 2011
    • February 2011
    • January 2011
    • December 2010
    • November 2010
    • October 2010
    • September 2010
    • August 2010
    • July 2010
    • June 2010

    Categories

    • ACES
    • Adult Children
    • Adverse Childhood Experiences
    • alcohol
    • All Families
    • animal abuse
    • attachment
    • Babies
    • baby
    • Bedtime
    • bethchange
    • bonding
    • breastfeeding
    • caregiving
    • Child abuse
    • Children
    • communication
    • Dads
    • dating
    • discipline
    • emotional abuse
    • emotional development
    • empathy
    • family
    • father
    • fathering
    • grand parent
    • grandparenting
    • grandparents
    • health
    • infant
    • infant communication
    • infant empathy
    • infant massage
    • infants
    • massage
    • mother
    • mothering
    • mothers
    • Occam's razor
    • parenting
    • pet
    • prevention
    • protective factors
    • Q and A 13-17 yr old
    • Q and A 2 yr old
    • relationships
    • research
    • Resiliency
    • Romance
    • sibling
    • siblings
    • single dad
    • sleep
    • stepparenting
    • teens
    • Toddlers
    • Trauma
    • Trauma informed care
    • Uncategorized
    • videoblog
    • violence

    Meta

    • Log in
    • Entries feed
    • Comments feed
    • WordPress.org

    © 2000, MaryKayKeller.com. All Rights Reserved.