• Family and Individual Education and Coaching

Mary Kay Keller

About
Books
Classes
Coaching
Podcasts
Testimonials

College Age Child

Posted on February 26, 2011 by Mary Kay Keller

Questioner: sandy

Category: Parenting –Teens
Question: My oldest child is taking a break from college and working – but continues to make poor choices by coming home late and many free hours with her boyfriend. My home has become a “hotel”. There is clutter left at the entry door, cups, shoes, messy living room from staying up late watching TV, we don’t even talk about the ugly state of her bedroom anymore.

Conversations between us are brief, I go into lecture mode easily even though I have gotten better at NOT doing it, I am so aggravated with her most of the time for her staying out late. I mean, what good things can be happening with her until 3 or 4 in the morning, you know?


I was that age once myself, exercising my freedom and breaking rules, and even though I would not want to project any of my own mistakes onto her, I still strongly feel that there is no legitimate reason for her to be out that late. She then sleeps until noon, 1, 2 or even 3 in the afternoon! With the rest of the household in school/work, she is able to do that.

She does not contribute to the household monetarily or with chores. In fact, my husband continually fusses because she leaves the light on in her sink area when she leaves the house… costing us electricity. We have assisted her with things, such as car tires, insurance, dental appointments… She is 20 and has developed bad habits, most of them were allowed to continue because I am in such confusion about how to handle an ‘adult’ child!

I told her at summer’s beginning, when she was complaining about her siblings being home (and bothering her carefree lifestyle), that she could respect the house rules and get along, or she needed to find her own place.

She looked for a while and discovered (!) that she does not make enough money to move out. Confirmation that she needed us to survive, and so her disagreements became less vocal HOWEVER her coming in so late REALLY bothers me. A LOT! I am frustrated and find myself wanting her out of the house so that I do not have to deal with my emotions regarding this.

Answer: Dear Sandy:

Your college age adult child needs to be treated the way you would any other adult. She is not in school and living at home for free?

What are your teaching her about how to treat you and what to expect from the world. Surely she is expected to pay rent? Utilities? AND if she is a messy roommate then by all means charge her a cleaning fee! Trust me when the money tree stops they start making other choices quickly!

And furthermore, it is your house and your rules. Her coming in late needs to be negotiated. Either she is in by midnight or stays over someplace else. There is no need to disrupt others by her choices.

Give yourself an good laugh and rent the movie “Failure to Launch,” if you haven’t already seen it. Look to see what these parents are doing to encourage their adult child to “hang on.”

Her under earning is her problem and she needs to address it seriously. There is a great book out, “Earn what you deserve,” for under earners.

Get a grip on this before you have a houseful of adult children that hang on until your have grandchildren! 🙂

Best Wishes!

M Kay Keller

http://astore.amazon.com/lifsjouagrass-20/detail/B005ELMC0Q

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recent Posts

  • Why is Breastfeeding Awareness So Important?
  • Babies are not empty heads that we need to fill up!
  • Learn the Baby Code Here!
  • What happens when optimal caregiving is not addressed.
  • Connecting to your infant through empathy.

Recent Comments

    Archives

    • August 2022
    • December 2020
    • February 2020
    • December 2019
    • November 2019
    • October 2019
    • September 2018
    • July 2018
    • June 2018
    • May 2018
    • April 2018
    • February 2017
    • June 2016
    • March 2016
    • February 2016
    • January 2016
    • December 2015
    • May 2015
    • April 2015
    • March 2015
    • February 2015
    • January 2015
    • November 2014
    • October 2014
    • September 2014
    • August 2014
    • July 2014
    • June 2014
    • May 2014
    • April 2014
    • March 2014
    • February 2014
    • January 2014
    • December 2013
    • November 2013
    • October 2013
    • September 2013
    • August 2013
    • July 2013
    • June 2013
    • May 2013
    • April 2013
    • March 2013
    • February 2013
    • January 2013
    • December 2012
    • November 2012
    • October 2012
    • September 2012
    • August 2012
    • July 2012
    • June 2012
    • May 2012
    • April 2012
    • March 2012
    • February 2012
    • January 2012
    • December 2011
    • November 2011
    • October 2011
    • September 2011
    • August 2011
    • July 2011
    • June 2011
    • May 2011
    • April 2011
    • March 2011
    • February 2011
    • January 2011
    • December 2010
    • November 2010
    • October 2010
    • September 2010
    • August 2010
    • July 2010
    • June 2010

    Categories

    • ACES
    • Adult Children
    • Adverse Childhood Experiences
    • alcohol
    • All Families
    • animal abuse
    • attachment
    • Babies
    • baby
    • Bedtime
    • bethchange
    • bonding
    • breastfeeding
    • caregiving
    • Child abuse
    • Children
    • communication
    • Dads
    • dating
    • discipline
    • emotional abuse
    • emotional development
    • empathy
    • family
    • father
    • fathering
    • grand parent
    • grandparenting
    • grandparents
    • health
    • infant
    • infant communication
    • infant empathy
    • infant massage
    • infants
    • massage
    • mother
    • mothering
    • mothers
    • Occam's razor
    • parenting
    • pet
    • prevention
    • protective factors
    • Q and A 13-17 yr old
    • Q and A 2 yr old
    • relationships
    • research
    • Resiliency
    • Romance
    • sibling
    • siblings
    • single dad
    • sleep
    • stepparenting
    • teens
    • Toddlers
    • Trauma
    • Trauma informed care
    • Uncategorized
    • videoblog
    • violence

    Meta

    • Log in
    • Entries feed
    • Comments feed
    • WordPress.org

    © 2000, MaryKayKeller.com. All Rights Reserved.